Everything all the time.

This transparency thing is not easy..  The quotes are all from Scary Close again. Thanks M.

 

“how else will we connect with people unless we let them know us”

I’ve been meeting people lately.. People of the opposite gender. Anytime it starts to happen I immediately want to go through and delete my Instagram and start a fresh one. I want to hide this blog, i want to cover up my past and just be a fresh slate. But i can’t, this is who i am. Realistically i could only keep that stuff from someone for a very short period of time. It would come up.. “hey what’s up with that child yelling in the background of our phone calls all the time?” / “What does that tattoo on your chest mean?” / “Why do you hang out with sooo many married people?”

 

“Characters only change when they live through a story”   

I figure i might as well keep it all out there and if someone can’t handle that stuff then i guess they shouldn’t be in my life. But it’s still tempting to hide all of it. My generation loves to only showcase our perfectly curated lives for the world to see, I can be fully guilty of this as well. Again though.. that would all be an act. I am so so thankful for my story and what i have experienced thus far in my life.

 

“It meant diving into the unknown, where there were very real dangers, but mostly rewards

It’s true.. I’m adopting a child, i was married for almost a decade, I married my high school / junior high sweetheart, I have her name across my wrist and another tattoo on my chest for her and will probably get another one in her memory. Who I am now is very much of who WE were. All that being said.. I’m also remodeling in a sense. Some things will stay the same and some things will change, I’m OK with that but I also don’t know that those things are at this point.  When you start a remodel you are usually aware of a few things you want to change and then once those walls come down you notice some other things that can use adjustments or improvements. I’m slowly doing this work.. and all of you are watching. That’s OK as well, there are some repairs we cant make on our own. No man is an Island.

 

Everything all the time.

Self Portrait

ME

 

 

This is a picture of myself. But it’s more than that. The look on my face is how I feel inside the majority of the time, yet the majority of the time you see me I will have some sort of smile or laugh across my face.

I just finished reading this book called Scary Close. You should read it, it will most likely wreck your world a bit. But in the best possible way. The author addresses our desire and attempt to always put on a show for people.. To act for people so that we receive love and acceptance. I do this all the time. I’ve done it my whole life. It’s not always a bad thing, but it’s not always genuine. And if I can drop this act and still be loved, that will be genuine.

All of my closest friends and family tell me it’s ok to be myself around them and that I can be like this and make this face even when I’m with them.. AND I believe it. But it’s an internal struggle for me. I know there will be times of joy and laughter and it can be genuine. But the fake stuff sucks. Next time you see me faking it call me on it, but in a gentle way. Letting this wall down can be hard, and tiring, I’ve been building it for most of my life. But it must come down a bit.

We will all love a bit better when we learn to accept our flaws, our messes and our pains. And when drop the act.

 

Below are some nuggets from Scary Close.

“those who can’t accept their imperfections can’t accept grace either”

“How can we be loved if we are always in hiding”

“what if part of God’s message to the world was you? The true and real you?”

“honesty is the soil intimacy grows in.”

Self Portrait