Death is the worst. There is no way around that simple point. Regardless of the things that dealing with death will teach you and show you.. It’s still the worst and I long for the day when death is no more.
I don’t believe I have anything profound to say about death at this point but so far there are two things that have been true; God is there even in the darkness, and pure undefiled religion in God’s eyes is to take care of widows and orphans in their suffering.
Both of these truths have been my lifelines during this trying time. Don’t read the first point as “God bringing his light into the darkness” thats not what he is doing.. Rather than doing that he is actually just mourning and grieving WITH me and that is what has been the most healing. When people try and point to good things or offer words of joy and plans that God has.. That does not help. When people sit with me in the grief or acknowledge that this sucks.. and how hard this is.. That is what is healing and that is what i have felt the Lord doing the most. In our modern culture we are terrible at suffering and grieving. We want everything to be OK all the time and when something is hard we wanna push it aside, ignore it, or just get over it as fast as we can. That is not healthy or helpful. Yes, life does go on and good things are still good, but i will always mourn the loss of my wife and thats OK.
Our community coming alongside and supporting us has also been the most healing thing in all of this. Everything from food, cleaning, walking my dog, putting mari to bed at night, watching movies with me, grocery shopping, sitting in silence… all of it is healing and helpful. A true, loving, caring community of family and friends really does seem like the most pure example of God that i can think of. I could ramble on forever about this point but i would rather just tell you all about it in person at some point. Just ask.
All in all.. I am surviving, everyday is different and new challenges arise all the time.. but I am OK and I am still here in His service.