Sometimes i close my eyes and imagine things are different. I remember how things felt when they were right. I remember when my world was whole. I remember my Eden and it was good, god it was good. What was once a garden of love is a valley of death. Love is in me, joy is in me, God is with me, but digging through this hardened clay to find those waters that give life can be an outlandish task. I dig and dig and dig…and then i fall. Tend my wounds for a bit and start to dig again, searching for water like its my job.
If you see me or interact with me you might not even notice this struggle, I’ve been able to put on a happy face my entire life, no matter what the situation is. I’m a pro at it, but it’s not always the most healthy thing, i know that now and i’m working on it. I’m also noticing that its getting harder to hide behind a smile or a joke. On Saturday a small group of friends came over to my house to make pizzas and hang out with me. They are all friends that were close with US. I’m finding that this type of gathering is almost unbearable at times. Not because i don’t love them dearly, but because it makes her absence ever more present. We laughed and took turns playing with M, when it was time for me to put her to bed i was almost relieved. I read a book to her, sang “Jesus loves me”, turned the light off and put her in bed, I then lay on her floor as i do every night, and I wept, almost uncontrollably. I had reached my limit of smiles and jokes and Joy. I was empty and had nothing left. I stayed in her room for almost an hour, until the group had left. I could have come out earlier but i didn’t wanna face everyone with bloodshot eyes and i didn’t have it in me to cover up anymore.
I’m learning to be mindful of my limits, I’m learning what my limits are. This part is no fun at all, i don’t like the feeling of being limited. But often limits are there to protect us. Trying to see it that way. I’m thinking that maybe God places those limits in our lives so that He has a way and opportunity to step in and sustain us.. because He wants and desires for us to simply lean onto Him. Simple but hard. Simple but oh so hard.