I currently feel like the flame of candle, easily lit, yet the slightest breeze or lack of air can put me out. I don’t want to be out, but often I am.
I thought I was going to be able to write about my big trip to New York, Boston and Montana..About all the friends I got to see and people I met, and about what it was like to travel alone. I will write about those things one day but I can’t get into that head space lately.
Life is hurting a lot recently, my family has experienced so much loss within the last eight months. This is not the space to explore all of that and dish out all of those details but i can tell you this, it has been a season of loss and I’m not a fan of pain and loss. I hate to see those around me defeated, but i love to be with those that are suffering and defeated.
I find that though i have been through much loss and defeat.. I still don’t have words to comfort but i have a heart that aches along with them and a shoulder for them to lean onto. I can go there with them, i can suffer with them, i can be defeated with them because we know that ultimately any defeat we experience will add to God’s story of redemption. For redemption to take place you must be redeemed from something. Such a hard place to be though.
I feel as though i’m going through the motions again. Though I have had the opportunity to travel much lately and experience many things that I am grateful for, those things have also felt extremely sad at times. One of my favorite things in life is sharing an experience with someone. It can be food, music, a church, a group of people.. anything really. I’ve been this way for as long as i can remember, Its how i am wired and experiencing all those things on my own is depressing. I’m not getting used to it. Wish i could say i was, but i’m not. Its extremely difficult for me. And as far as I can tell there is no relief from this in sight. I’m ready for some redemption God. You may say “but Casey look at all the good things in your life right now..Friends, Family, Mari, SF, a Job, a home by the beach” And i would reply with “yes yes i know.. those things are amazing and i could not ask for more when it comes to all of that” But not sharing all of that with someone is what’s killing me.
I want to show all of this to you, i want to share all of this with you, i just don’t know who you are or if you are even out there. This thought haunts me and scares me to no end.
(please refrain from saying anything in the comments about God’s timing being perfect.. I’m fully aware of that and i believe that it is true. But that doesn’t make any of this easier.)